List, continued

4.  Someone asked me, can’t remember who (see?), what I felt – FELT – when I was told I had cancer. The question made me realize I never stopped to think what my mother felt when she was told she had cancer.

    My mother had a way of handling the inevitable that can only be described as Stoical. She did drama – my, Lord, yes, she did drama, but only when it involved something that could be changed by drama. The inevitable was always met, Stoically, with “you do what you have to do.”

    On the other hand, my mother never expected much from life. She accepted, but seldom expected. There were few things she had any desire to do, other than what she had already done. She enjoyed visiting with her children and grandchildren and would travel any distance to do so. But she had no desire to see London or Paris or even the Grand Canyon. 

    I think she learned early on that hers was not a life that would impact the course of history as we read of it in books. And she had no need to be otherwise. The only thing I ever remember her wanting was a cabin in the woods. And in the end, toward the end, she had that, at least for a few years.

    As for myself, I’m not sure I can say what I felt, because I felt nothing … and everything.  And I knew I would do what I had to do.

My Life, the List

1. Life’s a funny thing. You’re born, you live, you die, and somewhere within you are touched – by love, by pain, by joy, by fear - by the lives of others. It is a wheel that spins without our control or resistance. And somewhere along the way, maybe, we will touch someone else’s life as well.

2. I know there are lives that impact the course of history. Mine is not one of those.

3. I’ve always been a list maker, but always for the reinforcement I received from crossing things off the list. I make lists now just to be able to function. My oncologist calls it anesthesia-brain and said about the time I recovered a reasonable amount of functional memory following the mastectomy, I would be starting chemo. And chemo-brain is another real thing … she added.

So, my life runs on notes, now. Mostly just one or two words that will remind me that I must order new contacts, soon, and I must get my glasses repaired so I will be able to see adequately to drive myself to treatments, which will undoubtedly cause my eyes to be very dry and make it impossible for me to wear the contacts I order. 

I have two overdue library books that apparently have been in my car for two weeks. I had no idea it had been that long since I had been to the library.

I need hand soap for the bathrooms and the kitchen. I’ve been using the Dial Gold which is antibacterial and was prescribed for use before surgery, and my Dawn dishwashing liquid – both of which dry my skin terribly.

Some of these things have been on my list for a couple of weeks.

Sometimes I forget to look at the lists.